Month: September 2020
UGANDAN “UGLIEST MAN MARRIES HIS 3RD WIFE O!
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A Look at Polygamy in Black America The stars of ‘Seeking Sister Wife’ and other black polygamists on the realities of dating while married Funlayo E. Wood-Menzies Feb 14, 2019 · 10 min read Dimitri Snowden stands with his current wife, Ashley, left, and potential sister wife, Vanessa Cobbs. Photo courtesy of TLC Listen to this story –:– –:– In many ways, the Snowdens are a typical 2019 American family: They have a lovely home in the suburbs and three beautiful children. They’re spiritual, but not religious, well-traveled, and very much in love. Ashley’s a mom-preneur who homeschools their children while consulting with clients about healthy lifestyles and trying her hand at screenwriting among other pursuits. Dimitri’s an ontological architect who builds robots, drives race cars and trucks, and loves his wife and children more than anything in the world. He loves them so much, in fact, that he’d like another set just like them. Maybe even two more. And she’s almost more excited about it than he is. Sound strange? To most people, it probably does. But for the thousands of families in the United States who practice polygamy and other poly lifestyles, it’s not only considered normal, but many of them believe it’s the best way to go. They are willing to risk societal stigma, heartache, and even being arrested to live the way they feel they should. Ashley and Dimitri are one such family. While they aren’t at risk for arrest because they have an alternate contract to legal marriage to avoid potential issues and to ensure parity for future wives, they have experienced both stigma and heartache in their quest to complete their family with a second wife. Recently, they’ve opened themselves up to even more criticism (and possibly more heartache) by taking their search to reality TV, where they’re one of the starring families on TLC’s show Seeking Sister Wife, now in its second season. Ashley, Dimitri, and Vanessa are interviewed on “E! Daily Pop.” Aside from the question of why—which Ashley and Dimitri have answered when asked ad nauseam by everyone from their parents to random Instagram followers—their rise in visibility has brought another consideration to the fore: They’re the first black couple to be featured on a national television series about polygamy. And, according to many of us, “Black folks just don’t do that.” “Oh yes, we’ve definitely heard that a lot since the show started,” laughs Ashley. “People will say things like ‘I didn’t know there were black polygamists!’ and I’m like, ‘Of course there are!’ Polygamy isn’t anything new. It’s been practiced around the world for thousands of years in many cultures, including some in Africa, and plenty of black people in America practice it as well.” Indeed, polygamy is a practice as old as humankind and one that continues in various forms across cultures on every continent, even in places like the United States, where most people purport to be against it. And make no mistake: At least on paper, most Americans are against it. While attitudes toward polygamy have changed—a recent Gallup poll revealed an approval rating that has more than doubled since the turn of the century—84 percent of Americans still say they find polygamy morally objectionable. That’s down from 93 percent in 2001, but for perspective, 55 percent of people polled find abortion morally objectionable, and that is largely thought to be the biggest moral issue of our time. It’s hard to take the moral objections too seriously, though, when the popularity of polygamy has seemingly exploded in U.S. pop culture, particularly on television. Shows such as Big Love (HBO), Sister Wives (TLC), Polygamy USA (National Geographic), Polyamory: Married and Dating (Showtime), and now Seeking Sister Wife (TLC) have brought this lifestyle into living rooms across the country week after week. Although the earliest of those, Big Love in 2006, was a scripted show, reality TV has largely been polygamy’s entertainment bread and butter. And, before now, all of those featured have been white and most all have been fundamentalist Mormon. The Brown family, stars of TLC’s “Sister Wives,” have been the primary face of TV polygamy since 2010. The show is now in its 13th season. Photo courtesy of TLC Enter the Snowdens. The Atlanta-based couple defy all the established definitions of what a polygamist family in the U.S. looks like. Not only are they black, they are also nonreligious. They opt instead for a spirituality that blends Dimitri’s Afro-Cuban heritage with Ashley’s African-American heritage, deep reverence for nature, and knowledge of indigenous spiritualities. When asked how they feel about being some of the first black faces the television-watching public is associating with polygamy, Ashley spoke for the couple: It’s pretty humbling to be on TV to begin with, so the fact that at this moment in time, we’re some of the first black Americans to show up in people’s living rooms and phones and iPads showcasing our lifestyle is mind-blowing. It’s important to remember that there are other black families already living this way the world over, and successfully at that. It doesn’t surprise me that people—including many black folk—are shocked to hear there are black polygamists in the U.S. I’ve had a lot of experience listening to people’s opinions about black folks and polygamy throughout the course of my 10-plus years of research on African and African-derived religions in Nigeria, the U.S., and parts of the Caribbean. I’ve lived and worked with polygamist families, from secular folks like the Snowdens to those who are Muslim, Hebrew Israelite, and practitioners of various types of African spirituality. I have even considered the merits of the lifestyle myself. But when discussing these issues with other black people outside the lifestyle, their thoughts can usually be summed up in five words: “That’s some white people sh*t.” Reality TV has definitely played a major part in painting a picture of polygamy as a white and Mormon domain. But black polygamists—and black people who practice other poly lifestyles—are becoming increasingly visible. While still a minority, to be sure, a growing number of black people are seeing the merits of the lifestyle. One of which, Ashley notes, is the additional support and freedom it allows women to pursue their personal goals. Araba Ifayemi Elebuibon (center) with wives Iya Oyelola (left) and Iya Ekundayo (right). They are one of the families who welcomed me into their homes and hearts. Photo courtesy of Funlayo E. Wood Menzies “Lots of people see polygamy as something necessarily restrictive or exploitative of women because the man is getting to be intimate with more than one woman, and that’s the only aspect they consider,” she says. “But women can gain from it too. Living together as a family allows women to support each other in a deeper way than is otherwise possible and, I believe, gives each woman more room to do her thing than she might have if she was a man’s only wife.” And as for dating while married? “You face the same considerations as when dealing with a monogamous relationship,” Dimitri points out, “and even deeper ones because now this new person is really dating two people, not just one. So, it’s not just about if I like her; it’s important to Ashley and I that they also have a sisterly bond, and something like that takes time.” Although men are typically seen as polygamy’s main beneficiaries, this meme and others like it, show that many women also like the idea of having a “sister wife.” But time does not always wait when it comes to matters of the heart, and having such a personal experience in the public eye only adds complication. “We’re at such a vulnerable phase of our lives—the search,” Dimitri notes. “We’ve tried, but we haven’t gotten it right yet, and people are witnessing our growth in real time.” A part of that growth included watching the couple work through the revelation that Dimitri was prematurely intimate with a woman the couple was courting during the show’s first season. While outsiders have referred to this incident as “cheating,” the couple is adamant that words like that don’t belong in their world. “People are judging us with their current monogamous mindset,” Ashley says. “We expect that, and we try our best to help people recalibrate their outlook. For monogamous people, no matter when the intimacy happened, they would call it ‘cheating.’ We simply don’t think that way.” As with monogamous dating situations, polygamous courtships aren’t always successful, and heartache isn’t uncommon. Uneven expectations and just plain old incompatibility are two factors that can lead to a relationship’s demise. In the Snowdens’ case, their last serious relationship before being cast on the show ended, in large part, because of the potential sister wife’s lack of enthusiasm over bonding with Ashley. “The ending of our last relationship was really painful,” Dimitri admits. “But we’re both committed to this lifestyle, and we’re committed to living it in a way that makes both of us happy. That sometimes means letting go of things when they’re not working for both of us.” While the general terms plural marriage and polygamy (from the Greek for “often married” or “many marriages”) may refer to either gender having more than one spouse, it is most often used to refer to a man with more than one wife, which is technically called “polygyny” (a woman with more than one husband is “polyandry”). People who engage in simultaneous relationships with others outside the context of marriage are referred to as “polyamorous” or, more often, just “poly.” Learning the lingo of poly. Credit: Alexandria Saurman via The Equinox Black poly relationships run the gamut: from the type of family the Snowdens seek to build with one man and multiple wives to two primary partners with satellite partners to something that Nina Love—a chef and co-founder of the People’s Poly Collective—calls “relationship anarchy.” Some people who adhere to more open poly lifestyles consider traditional modes of marriage—even polygamous ones—antiquated and unnatural and seek to break out of the marriage paradigm altogether. But that doesn’t mean that there are no rules of engagement. “Anarchy doesn’t mean it’s a free for all,” Nina explains. “It means curating each relationship in a way that suits it and creating something different with each person you connect to without the constraints of thinking about how it ‘should’ be. And all while being 100 percent open, honest, and transparent.” For Nina, a queer black woman who enjoys relationships with partners of all genders, the freedom to relate with whomever she chooses, regardless of gender, is an important factor in finding partners. “A lot of men say they’re poly,” she tells me, “but then I find out they have ‘OPP’—a one-penis policy—meaning they’re all right with me being with women but not other men. And my thing is, how is anyone going to try to control my vagina?” Freedom and honesty like Nina talks about are also important factors for Eddie and Kiara Ruff, an African-American couple and the hosts of “Ruff Talk,” a YouTube channel dedicated to discussion of polygamy and other hot-button issues in a no-holds-barred fashion. They are in what they describe as an open marriage where they are both free to date others while remaining deeply committed to one another and their two children. While it is often men who first suggest poly lifestyles, it was Kiara who first broached the subject in their case. Eddie and Kiara Ruff talk about black poly lifestyles on their YouTube channel. Screenshot via RuffTalk “I thought she was joking,” laughs Eddie. But Kiara wasn’t joking, and when he was convinced she was serious, they moved forward with having a ménage à trois with another woman. Kiara explained that it wasn’t her own desire to be with someone that led her to the suggestion, but rather it was the thought of seeing Eddie pleasuring another woman that aroused her and made her want to give it a try. From there, they both began to explore other partners, and now, both have had outside lovers: Eddie’s so far have been female and Kiara’s have been male and female. Their policy of 100 percent honesty with one another means being honest even when it’s tough, like when one doesn’t like the person the other is dating. “I didn’t like the last girl he was dating at all,” Kiara admitted, “but I gave him the space to let it run its course. And I was so glad when it did.” When asked if they’d ever seek a permanent addition to their family like the Snowdens, both said it’s not something they’d previously considered. But, a new love who entered Eddie’s life last year let them know they might be open to it. “She was a great woman,” Eddie reminisces. “And what I loved the most is how well she and Kiara got along. They clicked from the beginning and developed a friendship. It got to where she would call and end up talking to Kiara and not even talk to me,” he laughs. Although they’ve since moved on, the relationship helped them to see the potential for something more intertwined and long-lasting. Poly relationships within the black community are as diverse as black people themselves, but one thing that everyone I’ve interviewed agrees on is that adults should be free to make their own decisions and live as they choose. While polygamy certainly isn’t a choice everyone will make, a part of making any choice is understanding that there are alternatives to what everyone else is doing. Helping make people aware of those alternatives is, for many black and poly people, enough for them to feel they’ve done their duty. “I know polygamy is not for everyone, and that is perfectly okay,” says Ashley, “But there is power in choice, and just showing people that there’s another way makes me very proud.” Poly Polyamory Polygamy Black African American 919 claps WRITTEN BY Funlayo E. Wood-Menzies Harlem bred, Harvard PhD. Scholar-priestess of Africana religions, currently at the Center for Black Studies Research at UCSB. FunlayoPhD.com, @iyafunlayo
BLACK POLYGAMY! 
